FFVII! The Musical
by Sarah the Boring
Summary: A collection of oddball parody-songfics.


"FFVII! The Musical"  
a collection of parody songfics  
by [Sarah the Boring][1]  


Final Fantasy, names, characters, et cetera copyright Square Soft, Inc. Songs copyright their original authors. Parodies property of the author.

  


Contents:  
1. Aerith's Alive  
2. Disc Three  
3. Hojo, Shinra Scientist  
4. Nibelheim (Not Back in Midgar)  
5. Our Favorite Cid  
6. Turning Into Zack  
7. Spikey Ass  
8. Pretty Fly (For a Bad Guy)

Warning, just for those of you on the lookout for those things... SPOILERS GALORE.

  


* * *

  


**1. "Aerith's Alive" ("Stayin' Alive", the Bee Gees)**

Well, you can tell by the way they write their posts  
They're all lamers, man, they love to boast  
If they can find a way around, they'll take it then  
And throw rumors 'round

Well it's all right, it's okay  
You like to claim that you can play  
But we can't try to understand  
How a Game Shark makes you a better man

You're making up your stories and making up your glories  
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive  
Getting people in your party and thinking you're a smarty  
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive  
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive  
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's aliiiiiiiiiiiiive

So you got both WEAPONs on your own  
Except the chip of plastic, all alone  
But you couldn't handle it yourself  
Had to make it up, and then share the wealth

Well it's all right, it's okay  
We'll let you have your spammer's say  
But we can't try to understand  
How cheating makes you cooler, man

You're making up your stories and making up your glories  
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive  
Getting people in your party and thinking you're a smarty  
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive  
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive  
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's aliiiiiiiiiiiiive

You're going nowhere  
Codes gotta help you  
Gotta help you make it through  
You're going nowhere  
Codes gotta help you through

Yeah, Aerith's alive...

So you say you found this Chocobo  
Say it's purple, man, and it really glows  
It can run right under the ocean floor  
Fight the sixth WEAPON and so much more

Now it's all right, it's okay  
Ignoring you from day to day  
But we can't try to understand  
How this stuff would fit into Square's plan

You're making up your stories and making up your glories  
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive  
Getting people in your party and thinking you're a smarty  
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive  
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive  
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's aliiiiiiiiiiiiive

You're going nowhere  
Codes gotta help you  
Gotta help you make it through  
You're going nowhere  
Codes gotta help you through

Yeah, Aerith's aliiiiiive...

(repeat to fade)

  
  


**2. "Disc Three" ("One Week", Barenaked Ladies)**

It's been--  
One week since the Promised Land  
When Tifa and Barret fell into the wrong hands  
One week since the WEAPONs rose  
And Cloud found his idol in his seven-year doze  
One week since Meteor was called  
And Cloud handed over Seph's magic 8-Ball  
The longest days in history  
But it's still enough time to track down ol' Sephy

Now, you remember Cait Sith? The one we fought with?  
Well now he's saving Tifa from the gas  
With the help of Sapphire and its breath, it was getting close to death  
So it decided to take out half of Junon's Upper Branch  
Tifa got into a smack fight, when she saw daylight  
And hit old Scarlett into next year  
Thank goodness for the Highwind, they picked up their friend  
And ran to Mideel to face Cloud's fear

They found their Cloudie in a daze, drank Mako sixteen different ways  
So faithful Tifa stuck around in Mideel to be his nursemaid  
They said that Cid should be the boss though Barret saw this as a loss  
But with the Highwind the party has it all made

I don't know why the great Summon took so long  
Though it gave us a chance to grow quite strong  
And spend half our time breeding those Chocobos  
What was the point of it all? Well, who knows?  
We were hooked, though it went on endlessly  
We're amused by the way that Cid runs

It's been one week since the Corel train  
When Barret proved his worth to his town again  
One week since the Condor fort  
When we fought polygons and called it a great sport  
One week since the Mideel war  
When Ultimate WEAPON embarked on its world tour  
Tifa fell in Cloud's history  
But there's still enough time to track down ol' Sephy

(solo)

Huge Materia, we got four of 'em  
The Shinra love 'em  
But our party got 'em anyway  
Spent some time with Bugenhagen, did some Ancient-theory talkin'  
While Scarlett turned the Cannon into Sister Ray  
Rufus facin' Diamond WEAPON, they turned the Ray on  
But it didn't help him anyway  
AVALANCHE went para-jumping, while Hojo's pumping  
His cells up with JENOVA in a bad way  
Cleared Midgar in a wink, the Turks are starting now to think  
That their careers are at an end so now they've scattered  
Now Cloud and Co. are on their own because they know the Northern Cave has blown  
Itself wide open and the earth will soon be shattered

They take a week off to bond and to grow more  
Everyone decides what they're fighting for  
Cloud and Tifa share a moment, but did those  
Crazy kids share something more? Well, who knows?  
The Northern Crater's coming next and it's a doozy  
Who can blame them for a little escape?

It's been one week since they took it on  
Sephiroth's Crater in one spiralling run  
One week since they met the fall  
Of Jenova-SYNTH, who's now just a big ball  
One week since Bizarro Seph  
Though Knights of the Round sent that thing to its death  
One Winged Angel's a mystery  
But they had enough time to find the real Sephy

Had enough time to track down ol' Sephy  
Had enough time to track down ol' Sephy

Where in the hell can that Gold Chocobo be?...

  
  


**3. "Hojo, Shinra Scientist" ("Maxwell's Silver Hammer", the Beatles)**

Lovely Lucrecia, messing round with Jenova  
Worked for Shinra Inc.  
Had a thing for men in blue uniforms, o-o-o-oh  
Hojo needed fun, thought he'd be a better one  
For this lovely girl  
"The world's next villain needs a new mother, so-o-o-o"  
And before she can decide yes or no  
They're necking in the night...

(ba-da bah bah)

Ha ha, Hojo, Shinra scientist, gone out of his head  
Ha ha, Hojo got her, but are we sure that she is dead?

Vincent Valentine said "Lucrecia will be mine"  
Hojo's not amused  
"I'm the only man for Lucrecia, bo-o-o-oy"  
They got in a fight, Hojo did his business right  
Shot him in the arm  
Used him for experimentation, o-o-o-oh  
Now every time our Vin gets annoyed  
He mutates 'fore our eyes...

(ba-dah bah bah)

Ha ha, Hojo, Shinra scientist, gone out of his head (doo doo da-doo doo)  
Ha ha, Hojo got revenge, and now Vincent is undead

(Doo doo da-doo doo)

(solo)

Back in Nibelheim, yet another tinkering time  
SOLDIERs Zack and Cloud  
One succeeded, one is a failure, o-o-o-oh  
Poor Zack bought the farm, Cloud was done some mental harm  
Developed MPD (Developed MPD)  
Wandered 'round and learned to kill in one blo-o-o-ow  
But as old Hojo's charging the Ray  
Cloud sneaks up from behind...

Ha, ha, Hojo, Shinra scientist, gone out of his head (doo doo da-doo doo)  
Ha ha, Cloud just got him back, and now Hojo's finally dead (whoa whoa whoa)

(Doo doo da-doo doo)

Maaaan oooof Shiiiiinraaaa...

  
  


**4. "Nibelheim (Not Back in Midgar)" ("Istanbul (Not Constantinople)", They Might Be Giants)**

(Vincent's Song)

Nibelheim, not back in Midgar  
Sleeps in Nibelheim, not back in Midgar  
Been a long time since he lived down in Midgar  
No more Turkish delight with a sniper sight

All the Shinra back up in Midgar  
Wonder where Vince went, he's not back in Midgar  
They remember when he ran round in Midgar  
Shooting people up on their word

Even Meteor could barely stir this guy  
Why he sleeps there, I can't say  
The fangirls like him better that way

He's got the claw, the coolest in Midgar  
Got lycanthropy and internal torture  
He's the designated Dark Dude of Midgar  
Looks like Hojo's given him the works  
That's nobody's business but the Turks

Whhhhhhooooooahhhh...  
Nibelheim (Nibelheim)  
Whhhhhhooooooahhhh...  
Nibelheim (Nibelheim)

Even Meteor could barely stir this guy  
Why he sleeps there, I can't say  
The fangirls like him better that way

(solo)

Do do do do...

Even Meteor could barely stir this guy  
Why he sleeps there, I can't say  
The fangirls like him better that wayyyyy!

So parachute him back into Midgar  
Grab your shotgun shells and storm back to Midgar  
Been a long time since he lived down in Midgar  
Looks like Hojo's given him the works  
That's nobody's business but the Turks...

Nibelheiiiiiiim...

  
  


**5. "Our Favorite Cid" ("The Rascal King", Mighty Mighty Bosstones)**

Well he was  
Fueled by a lack of funding for his dream  
The Shinra, they cut him back  
And let him scream  
Foul was his mouth and funny was his walk  
A goofy swagger, but the latter was never in Disc One

Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again  
Will there ever be a Cid as cool as our Captain Highwind  
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again  
Will they write a script with so much swearing and still censor it

The Shinra gave him a plane  
His pride and joy, they say  
Despite its pink paint job  
And of course its stupid name  
But the Tiny Bronco had its day when Palmer came to call  
Even hobbled it would wobble, but that thing would never fall

Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again  
Will there ever be a Cid as cool as our Captain Highwind  
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again  
Will they write a script with so much swearing and still censor it

(solo)

The most infamous in Seven  
He smokes and swears, he yells and tears (Play it again!)  
A hero and a hooligan, the parents up in arms (Play it again!)  
A pack of Luckies in his hat (Play it again!)  
He probably hates that Cait Sith cat (Play it again!)  
Call him crude, but in this game  
He beats that SeeD guy, what's-his-name!

Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again  
Will there ever be a Cid as cool as our Captain Highwind  
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again  
Will they write a script with so much swearing and still censor it

  
  


**6. "Turning Into Zack" ("Turning Japanese", the Vapors)**

(Cloud's Song)

It's something I could  
Just never do  
You got in SOLDIER  
I said "Me too!"  
Can't deal with failure so I said it wasn't true

I lost my job and  
Half of my head  
Turned mercenary  
Just like you said  
And I tried to get your girlfriend into bed

I ran to Midgar  
To win young Tifa  
But I ended up inside a glass tube  
I wandered back there  
Not just to see her  
But to try to get my ego back too

And now I'm turning, and I'm turning, and I'm turning, and I'm turning  
Yes I'm turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so

(solo)

Then Tifa's father,  
He took a picture  
Of my hero Sephiroth, her, and you  
I told the others  
That it was me but  
I was the only guard remaining of two

And now I'm turning, and I'm turning, and I'm turning,  
Yes I'm turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so

His hair, his sword, his clothes, his future, his past, his mind, no wonder Aerith was lost  
Everyone has told me that my story's twisted  
Everyone has heard me, but they haven't listened  
Everyone...

And now I'm turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so

(solo)

Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so, hope so, hope so, hope so  
Turning into Zack  
I think I'm turning into Zack  
I really hope so

  
  


**7. "Spikey Ass" ("Heart of Glass", Blondie)**

(Sephiroth's Song)

Becoming a god, it's been such a gas  
As soon as I beat down Cloud's spikey ass  
Thinks he's in SOLDIER, delusional ma-a-a-n  
I'll show him who's boss fast as I can

Army of clones marching at my side  
They're even more helpful when they've died  
Made my big entrance in Nibelhe-i-i-m  
Then Shinra's top bigwig ran out of time

Born to rule  
The Planet's chosen me and I would be a fool  
Not to hear its calling, it's been  
Pretty cool  
Exerting all my powers, yeah, it's just no use  
To challenge me, you'll get crushed

Ruling the world, it'll all be mine  
I'll grab all the Materia I can find  
I'll call down Meteor and toast them a-a-a-all  
I'll have that Cloud at my beck and call

Powerful,  
There's no one else like me and it is pitiful,  
That they will try to stop me and my  
Fated rule,  
The last of the real Ancients, yea-ah

(solo)

In the end,  
I'll be the One Winged Angel and I'll meet again  
Our silly hero Cloud now that he's on the mend  
From his dip into the Lifestream, but it's all no use  
I'll get them like I'm meant to

(Oooh-ooh, whoa-oh x4)

Ruling the world, it's been such a gas  
As soon as I beat down Cloud's spikey ass  
Thinks he's the real thing, delusional ma-a-an  
I'll send him to Lifestream once again

(Oooh-ooh, whoa-oh x4)

  
  


**8. "Pretty Fly (For a Bad Guy)" ("Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)", the Offspring)**

(Rufus' Song)

Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh  
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh  
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh  
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy

_Uno dos tres,_ do exactly as he says!

You know it's kinda hard just to rule the world today  
But Rufus does his New Age thing and rules it anyway  
His fighting is the lamest, he ends up getting shot  
He wears this white Armani suit and chicks all think he's hot!

So don't debate, accept your fate  
You know he'll have you in his power anyway  
Gotta rule with fear, keep Shinra near  
He'll find a way, he'll find a way  
So if you can't fight, your freaky dog just might  
And then if all else fails you can call the Turks in flight  
The world needs dictators, so hey hey do that evil thing!

Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh  
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh  
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh  
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy

He needs a cool throne, not just any will suffice  
So he stepped in just as Sephiroth got Daddy packed in ice  
He cruises in his copter and sends SOLDIERs after Cloud  
He never gets his hair messed up and cackles really loud!

So don't debate, accept your fate  
You know he'll have you in his power anyway  
Gotta rule with fear, keep Shinra near  
He'll find a way, he'll find a way  
So if you can't fight, your freaky dog just might  
And then if all else fails you can call the Turks in flight  
The world loves dictators, so hey hey do that evil thing!

Now he's got a problem yeah, there's Diamond Weapon  
It's got his sights on him and there is nowhere to run  
They say that Rufus is toast, yeah, he's going to trip  
But he'll be brought back in a, in a lot of fics!

Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh  
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh  
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh  
_Uno dos tres,_ do exactly as he says

So don't debate, accept your fate  
You know he'll have you in his power anyway  
Gotta rule with fear, keep Shinra near  
He'll find a way, he'll find a way  
So if you can't fight, your freaky dog just might  
And then if all else fails you can call the Turks in flight  
The world needs dictators, ah  
The world loves dictators, so  
Let's get some more dictators!  
So hey hey do that evil thing!

  
  


* * *

  


Notes: Lots of notes.

(Replaced, 4-07-00, because I'd forgotten a line break. I hate that...)

These were, for the most part, written for the MSTing of FFVII that I'm working on, but to be honest I just got impatient. It should compel me to write more as replacements, I suppose...

1. "Aerith's Alive" A pretty straightforward one. After hanging around FF message boards for a few months, I got really tired of many things--among them, cheaters and people who made up dumb rumors.

2. "Disc Three" Good gravy, was this hard. O_o (And even now, the syllables fit a bit too loosely for my taste.) Inspired by a scene in Disc 2, when Tifa wakes up in the Junon Upper Branch. Barret (?) mentions that Meteor will hit in one week, although the party has enough time to go through all manner of adventures. Apart from the title, this song's structure also fit the episodic nature of what I wanted to say.

3. "Hojo, Shinra Scientist" Does anyone KNOW this song? *sniff* My second-favorite one among these, next to "Pretty Fly". Believe it or not, I actually lost this entire lyric while rearranging files; by some miracle I remembered enough to reconstruct it. Whew.

4. "Nibelheim (Not Back in Midgar)" Inspired by my urge to make "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" jokes in the MST whenever the Turks show up. And I couldn't resist making that comment about "lycanthropy" (werewolf-ism). If anyone was PAYING ATTENTION, Vincent is more of a werewolf than a vampire, despite the common association with vampires.

5. "Our Favorite Cid" Not too pleased with the way it turned out. Oh well.

6. "Turning Into Zack" I had to have a Cloud song. Had to. That's all.

7. "Spikey Ass" Actually the second Sephiroth parody-song I wrote; the first was a take on New Order's "Blue Monday" which may be rewritten for the MST. (Why do I keep doing disco songs for Seph? Maybe because it's SO out of character...)

8. "Pretty Fly (For a Bad Guy)" All sprang from that one line, jotted down for the MST: "And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy". It sticks a little too close to the original, but I still had great fun with it.

That's it, compadres. Thanks so much for reading. :D

  


   [1]: mailto:sarahtheboring@aol.com



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